Member Monday: Water Wasters by Dale Angel

Welcome back to Member Monday. Dale Angel is back is back with another humorous essay.  Welcome, Dale.

Water Wasters

by Dale Angel

Water Wasters have always walked among us, masquerading as upright citizens. But with surveillance equipment, cameras, listening and forensic devices, that can detect suspicious splashes left over from washing cars, they are catching the violators.

Who knew what went on behind closed doors, some even let the water run while brushing their teeth. Shameless hard-core people who don’t fix their broken toilets … the water runs day and night. Today’s electronics can hear that now, including the drips from kitchen faucets.

The use of water as therapy, like bloodletting, may be outdated. Those long warm relaxing showers, soaking in a bubble bath, listening to the click-click of the Rain Bird swinging water across the front lawn, feeling the water in our hands as it bubbles out of the hose without any definite destination as one frivolously pours water on flowers, gardens, shrubs, and trees. Those know no consequences; the liability rests with the water wasters.

The trees that have green leaves are a good indication of blatant violations; water has to be somewhere. Self manufactured leaks carry no leniency. Masquerading as an upright citizen I was almost caught hoarding cups of water for my bees; my neighbor’s bees were visiting too often.

Combat drones have been used for the flushing out of those who are growing green medicine. Fines are steep for emptying the streams; one has to be a serious repeat offender to use the water from fire hydrants after dark. That’s as bad as running cold water down the drain waiting for it to get warm, plundering our natural resources.

I tried to save and use the water from my washing machine; it’s traveling across town anyway mingling with who knows what, but I guess they’re saving it to drink.

My friend got caught carrying a squirt gun. Inclination and raw rebelliousness met. I got caught filling the kiddy pool. I’m now considered an abuser.

When I pay my utility bill I can’t make eye contact. I feel like I contributed to the drought. I used to be flippant, but I’m coming to gripes with my addiction.

We meet up at the lake near the boat ramp in that grey house twice a month. We are in rehab … see you at the next Water Wasters Anonymous Meeting.

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Member Monday : Too Much Stuff by Dale Angel

Welcome back to Member Monday. Dale Angel is back is back with another humorous essay.  Welcome, Dale.

Too Much Stuff

by Dale Angel

I’m approaching the age where people get that disease “Too much stuff.” It can begin when you find all kinds of leftovers in the fridge brought home from eating out. But that doesn’t concern me as much as the saved containers; the kind that leak BPA plastic into the food. I went to that place to eat because it is supposed to be healthy; is that reasonable?

I also find little pieces of old cheese, a leftover bun, something in a jar—no date on it, half a coke, and unidentifiables that should have moved on long ago.

I never find leftover Southern Comfort, or that Concord grape wine, or Chocolate, the life saving kind that requires occasional trips to the pawn shop; medicine that should always be in-house.

If you have the resources to visit the liquor store, you have probably mortgaged the house or hit the lottery.

These kinds of leftovers, if there are any, are very valuable. Don’t throw it out like other stuff, it’s very useful during bouts of daily stressful unforeseen circumstances called crisis. Read the side effects before taking this medicine.

I’m reforming. I promised myself to quit bringing stuff home. I joined again, but didn’t keep my promise again, and I fell off my intentions … again.

Today, I began with new enthusiasm, because I better understand that Garage sales are addictive. I should be having them, not visiting them. I looked into the back of the cupboards and found things hiding I brought home months ago. No one told me they multiply in areas out of sight, in garages, and in storage containers.

Pretty things that are ornamental, but not useful, have no redeeming value, except your thoughtfulness to send them to someone you think needs a gift.

My sister asked me not to be so thoughtful or she will send them back. She said “they’re as useful as toe covers.”

I tried to return a vase to a friend, she almost attacked me. She said her husband’s Aunts had died and left them all their stuff, and there wasn’t enough room left in the house to hang her car keys. She drove a nail on the outside wall to hang them on.

I’m not the only one with this ”Too much disease.” About everyone has a mild or severe case. I’m ashamed to admit I found a coat bought in San Francisco one summer; it’s never been cold enough to wear it here. The shame comes from the size; it shrank while hanging in the closet.

Rehab has been helpful. I’m ahead of one of my friends who is so proud of her 20 year-old blouse; I quit wearing mine. I’m confident I can add it to my throw-away pile without too much separation anxiety. I have some medicine in the fridge for these kinds of crisis.

A Note from the Webmaster: If you’re a Writers Forum member in good standing and would like to be featured on Member Monday, please send your submission to writersforumwebmaster@gmail.com. Submissions should be 75-750 words, appropriate for all ages and error free. Please include a short bio, a headshot and any related links. The author retains all rights and gives permission to Writers Forum to publish their submission on the website and/or in the newsletter. Thank you!

Member Monday: I Highly Approve of Failed Vasectomies by Dale Angel

Welcome back to Member Monday.  Yes, you read that title right.  Dale Angel is back, stirring up trouble and making us love her to bits for doing it.  For your own safety, swallow whatever food or beverage you may have in your mouth before proceeding.  Welcome, Dale.

I Highly Approve of Failed Vasectomies

by Dale Angel

I highly approve of failed vasectomies.

We don’t live long enough to find solutions to all of life’s verities.

Whole countries have tried to control births. They wiped out from under themselves a whole generation of future tax payers that would keep their own government intact, serious repercussions. Then they reversed that in favor of washing down river, future females…they now have too many males with no partners, what can you do with that?
You think of these things when you practice this on a small scale. These man-made solutions are dicey.
Looking back, after the fog settles you better understand the frailty of human errors.
It still rings in my head, ”You can’t be…I assisted in that operation.” They tried to blame it on me after two failed vasectomies.
Hindsight helps one to better understand… The doctor’s wife had run off with a tennis player from La Jolla, keeping in mind this is golf country adds insult to injury.  His assistant Miss ”You can’t be, I assisted in that operation” stepped in and consoled him and got pregnant herself.  You can’t blame him for losing confidence in his own practice.
I learned to breathe with my head in a sack, I had three more babies at home.
That’s probably why my beautiful sisters-in-law decided not have children.  Instead they drove around in convertibles and cars with fins.  Their hair blew in the California wind.  They dressed in bathing suits under minks as they traversed the highway to Hollywood fun.
They had matched shoes and purses, matched luggage, tickets to travel on airplanes with propellers to vacation spots where they had cocktails before dinner. They had houses made of adobe with low windows that looked out over swimming pools among the lemon groves, and a 12 inch televisions!
Today my beautiful sisters-in-law are both in a rest home, they have no comforter or anyone to hold their hands, they weep.
This week I was invited to meet the second generation of one of my failed vasectomies; a ten pound great-grandson who looked me in the eye. I like him. He comes with history.
At my table recently one of my sons asked me why, when I pinned up his school pictures I always put the pin in his head. Another recently came out with the truth, why he cut the cats whiskers off. That’s how he learned to cut off his own eyebrows and eyelashes. That motor driven thing they made out of the neighbor’s trash came up in the conversation.  They reminded me what I said, “I wouldn’t come to the rest home and wipe slobber off their chins or push them in wheelchairs.”
They talked about the value of cameras and how they stop crime then went on to talk about us. We’d still be in jail if they had cameras when I drove over all those gravestones when we got lost in the fog.
I blame this on not getting enough air when I lived with the sack over my head managing life’s verities.  I like failed vasectomies. They to have to put up with me now.
A Note from the Webmaster: If you’re a Writers Forum member in good standing and would like to be featured on Member Monday, please send your submission to writersforumwebmaster@gmail.com. Submissions should be 75-750 words, appropriate for all ages and error free. Please include a short bio, a headshot and any related links. The author retains all rights and gives permission to Writers Forum to publish their submission on the website and/or in the newsletter. Thank you!

Member Monday: Gardens Driven by Dale Angel

Welcome back to Member Monday.  It’s a pleasure to feature a piece by the always hilarious Dale Angel.

Gardens Driven

by Dale Angel

I have been accused of being obsessive…me! I’m sensible…I think?
In my opinion one of the most beautiful of God’s gifts is a compost pile. It quietly invites all kinds of beneficial life that are producers, do you know how hard it is to find producers? And they work in harmony. Lower uneducated forms of life do better at this than we do, and add creating something like a divine product that is welcome to all circles, including the very highest of society. When it is very good, like good wine, people will stand in line to get some. It’s Gardens Driven.
When my family wants to come and clean up my yard, a family affair, we disagree. It’s not trash, its like a pregnancy building a future life. So…it’s not always in pristine beauty-who is? The future will reveal all the potential hopes.
I know, I carry every leaf and twig to it, my family says it’s almost a religious experience to watch me feed it, carry water and food scraps. I’m obsessive. Nothing leaves my kitchen without a hope, coffee grounds and orange peels have a useful future life. I know it’s not beauty to every eye at this time. Give it time to flower.
Why can’t I just buy a sack of fertilizer and sprinkle it and remove the eye sore?
Because the last enriched sack of their prescribed precious compost killed my Coconut Thyme in a few hours!
It’s not openly discussed but in garden circles and Universities the new herbicides/pesticides are contaminated with some new unheard of by-product that kills plant life and the earth on contact for up to two years. It’s almost like a new weapon the powers that be are covertly trying to figure out how it works. Could it be an Agent Orange product leaking?
I promised to hide it, but where? I guess I could quit the worm bin. It is cranky during the heat and it is getting hotter. They are such uncomplaining little creatures and ask for so little and are so generous. I suppose I could pile it in that corner. I like worms, to throw them out of their house is as bad as throwing people out of their homes, it’s cruel.
I can’t watch a compost pile being desecrated, piling it in the garbage can and carried away leaving a clean raked area. I have friends who don’t allow a stray leaf to land in their yard, it makes me unsettled. They indicate my yard would be as beautiful as their yard, if I’d clean up the mess…bring me the smelling salts!
I may be sicker than I think, is obsessiveness kin to Alzheimer’s?
A Note from the Webmaster: If you’re a Writers Forum member in good standing and would like to be featured on Member Monday, please send your submission to writersforumwebmaster@gmail.com. Submissions should be 75-750 words, appropriate for all ages and error free. Please include a short bio, a headshot and any related links. The author retains all rights and gives permission to Writers Forum to publish their submission on the website and/or in the newsletter. Thank you!

Member Monday: Online Class by Dale Angel

Welcome back to Member Monday.  It’s a pleasure to feature a piece by the always hilarious Dale Angel.

Online Class

by Dale Angel

I’m taking an online class. The subjects are varied and useful for everyday life. The teacher is well-known, educated and comes with credentials and a title. The instructor’s name is Judge Judy.
I personally learned how to dress for the work environment. You need a white lace collar. It made me realize I need the services of the physical landscaping skills of her surgeon. She looks sixteen and last class she showed up with blond hair, the necessary equipment for the job.
She shows us the value of personal worth by refusing to get involved in domestic affairs. What she calls, “playing house with benefits”.
She will not divide up the items fought over like the plaintiffs toothbrush holder and running shoes or the defendant’s rims off her car. She will not unmingle their toys.
She’s not using up her life or education over trivias, especially when both want a refund and compensation on their bad investment…we can all learn something from this.
She’s very astute in unraveling who threw the first punch…and she can identify the keys of rejected lovers…who used them to damage the cars belonging to the party of the first part.
Her work ethics are so creative when ones spouse sues, and the problem is from unemployment that brought it about, her advice is ”just gather cans and hire your own attorney”.  She’s fair.
She is a master at identifying manufactured disabilities that her bailiff pays his taxes to support so the disabled party has an income…while surfing.
The case of the women who sued for back injury and pain and suffering was enlightening. Judge Judy told her to try climbing down off those shoes, see if that helps…next!
Her practical questions are so skilled you see people tattling on themselves.
She is very good to youths who have coping problems, who she says, ”lie when their mouths are moving”. She is so kind, she never deprives them of consequences. It shows a great deal of experience in this area. I need to know more about things like this, at present, I’m under qualified.
Never do business without defensive receipts-you will need them for decades because someone may come out of the woodwork…save all receipts…good to know.
My new electric blanket has instructions. ” If it fails, mail back only in the original box plus the warranty.” I’m saving the required box and warranty for the next five years.
As an advocate of defenseless old people, she can spot a looter and plunderer with a couple of pertinent questions. We all need to know more pertinent questions. I’m not sure when to use them. I may need that information, this class will show me how.
She will not accept Dr.Phil’s failed cases, she says, “Some things can’t be fixed.” Isn’t that sensible? I need to know that, I’ll quit climbing ropes with fire at my feet trying to outrun problems I can’t fix.
Dogs and their problems are of current concern, if you have one, go out and buy insurance, if not for the dog, for their owners. Dogs are big business and Judge Judy loves them and sees through any who are into dogs for profit. She has no problem separating and restraining dogs, but untangling their owners are another matter. She says, ”The dogs are better mannered.”
She’s not above calling names and screaming when necessary and knows how to properly use these tools online.
I’m especially impressed with her ability to hold her tongue when she wants to swear and how and when this is done professionally with dignity while driving…without using ones finger.
This class contains a variety of beneficial subjects to help negotiate life’s gridlocks
A Note from the Webmaster: If you’re a Writers Forum member in good standing and would like to be featured on Member Monday, please send your submission to writersforumwebmaster@gmail.com. Submissions should be 75-750 words, appropriate for all ages and error free. Please include a short bio, a headshot and any related links. The author retains all rights and gives permission to Writers Forum to publish their submission on the website and/or in the newsletter. Thank you!

Member Monday: Weeds by Dale Angel

Welcome  back to Member Monday.  Today it’s my pleasure to share a piece by Writers Forum member Dale Angel.

Weeds

by Dale Angel

I appreciate weeds for their perseverance and persistence. They travel through all seasons sometimes on their knees.  When there’s no rain they lie close to the earth and don’t whimper for their thirst, defiantly waiting with aggressive personalities that many consider unfriendly.  As soon as rain falls they crawl to the roses and wraps their arms around them shamelessly carrying on a one sided love affair.  The garden has been commandeered before it even knows there’s war!  You won’t either until your foot becomes tangled as you walk along the path.  You wonder, where did they come from?  They crept in quietly while you were watching the sunset.  No matter if you’re kings or peasants they visit all without prejudice. They live with few admirers or support system doing their job wandering across the landscape clothing the naked earth weaving mountains and valleys in their fingers holding our world together like a knitted garment.

I admire their inner strength and quiet underappreciated value…although, I’m a little intimidated by their fearless tenacity to do their job.   Where their footprints are left, the earth has been enriched…

They come with various tendencies and strengths and weaknesses…There’s a place for us all here…I like weeds.

A Note from the Webmaster: If you’re a Writers Forum member in good standing and would like to be featured on Member Monday, please send your submission to writersforumwebmaster@gmail.com. Submissions should be 75-750 words, appropriate for all ages and error free. Please include a short bio, a headshot and any related links. The author retains all rights and gives permission to Writers Forum to publish their submission on the website and/or in the newsletter. Thank you!

Member Monday: Revenge Cup by Dale Angel

Welcome back to Member Monday.  We continue our September theme ” A Lesson Learned” with a piece by member Dale Angel.

Revenge Cup

by Dale Angel

On a cold rainy morning in the city there opened a new fast food place with the smell of coffee permeating the frosty air. It invited you inside with clean tiled walls and shiny new windows. It looked like a good place to work, if I could get a job there.

Applications were across town. The long bus ride was uncomfortable because of the overwhelming smell of diesel, I was glad to get off and walk the next few blocks locating the address. It was up a flight of outside stairs that needed repair. Opening the door, at the end of the room was a large man behind a large desk that almost touched wall to wall.

Our conversation was brief he informed me they didn’t hire old people. Their labor would be only young high school kids, I was all of forty but could pass for thirty-nine some days…at early evening.

It left me wounded, too emotional to ride back and let anyone see me crying. I walked miles in the rain with my hot tears mingling with cold rain.

I got a job cleaning an apartment overlooking the river. It was completely walled in glass with a large glass table, large glass lamps, large glass covered pictures, a glass coffee table, glass fronted furniture, huge mirrors, and a glass coffee pot.

The lady of the house always left as soon as I arrived explaining she was out to her afternoon delight. She shared with me she was a former prostitute, her husband was a Fireplace tools manufacturer.

One day as she pulled on her coat, that looked just like Pat Nixon’s before they were asked to leave the Whitehouse, she again explained she was out to for her Afternoon Delight. I had in my mind a mocha souffle or pineapple sunday. I asked what “Afternoon Delight” was. She looked over her mod glasses, her white manufactured hair framing her face, and explained it was her lover.

She made it to the elevator when the earthquake hit. I looked out the windows and saw the river hit the glass windows. Shards of glass whirled at me and I floated on the table as the lamps and glass cupboards shattered and the glass chandelier swung. It sounded like a bomb went off. I was wet. I thought it was blood. It was my thumb frozen on the glass cleaner container spraying and as the building rolled and whirled my legs became weak but my mind returned, I realized I didn’t get hazardous pay.

I revisited that fast food place, they gave out coffee cups with their logo on it drumming up business the promise was…. always a cup of free coffee if you use their advertising cup.

Thirty and more years have passed, but I don’t keep account of injuries or hold grudges.

Recently, out of spite, I pulled mine out of the cupboard and asked for my free coffee. One local establishment refused, the one across town honors me with fresh coffee with real cream served by a gracious manager. It’s my revenge cup although small in comparison to the large man and large desk the cup is now bigger than the both of us.

There’s something comforting in revenge.

A Note from the Webmaster: If you’re a Writers Forum member in good standing and would like to be featured on Member Monday, please send your submission to writersforumwebmaster@gmail.com. Submissions should be 75-750 words, appropriate for all ages and error free. Please include a short bio, a headshot and any related links. The author retains all rights and gives permission to Writers Forum to publish their submission on the website and/or in the newsletter. Thank you!