The Good, The Bad, and The Fusty

by Dave Smith

When I was young my mom used to admonish me, “if you got nothin good to say just keep your damn mouth shut.” (Mom was very direct.)

I liked to argue with her so I’d come back with a comment resembling, “Well what if there was something bad going to happen and hurt someone if I didn’t tell about a bad thing?” To which—after a three-second hitch and an evil eye—she’d snap, “Go outside and play and stop bothering me.”

The Good: I found another website for writers that I think is super-duper. It’s hilotutor.com . Obviously the young lady who is in charge lives in Hawaii, and she tutors. She loves words, and on her site, in the archives, she delves deep into their meanings and uses. Kinda like the soul I mentioned before.

If you want to really, really understand words, check it out. Now, it isn’t a dictionary, so the number of entries is limited, but what’s there is awesome, and you’ll find a bunch more stuff I’m going to let you discover on your own. Click on “…& archived issues.”

The Bad: I sometimes fall for 20% off specials on writer’s books, and I definitely buy when I see 40% markdowns. This results in my having a few duds on my shelf. Against my mother’s advice, and at the risk of offending at least one of you, here’s one I suggest you don’t spend your money on (at least not until maybe 80% off): Story Engineering by Larry Brooks.

Before you throw those tomatoes, let me explain. The title should have told me this wasn’t the book for me. That’s right, it’s a GD textbook; one you should have only if in school you wore bowties and floods and your best friend was a calculator.

Each topic in the tome has seven subtopics which have three subheadings, all of which have five important bullets, every one referring to another chapter with more related topics. You can’t ace the test (write a good story) unless you have a photographic memory.

It hurt my head!

I don’t want to engineer things. If I did, I would work for LEGO designing new gubbins. I just want to write. Can you help me do that without abusing my mental faculties?

If you want to test my hypothesis, you can borrow my copy—no, you can have my copy. Caveat: you can always find a tidbit, even in the worst books, so feel free to contact my customer complaint department.

The Fusty: don’t you just love that word? I do. In addition to tickling the tongue and making you giggle when you say it, it’s mostly self-explanatory. Even if you don’t have a dictionary, or if you’ve never seen the word before, you could probably use it in a sentence. It’s a fun word, don’t you think? I can tell you’re going to use it soon; maybe on Thanksgiving to describe the bathroom after Uncle Cletus uses it.

Now try this on for size: sesquipedalian. Sure, it’s long, but even if it were short would you have a clue what it meant? Me neither. I have to look it up every time I see it, which is too often. It’s a fusty word.

Your choice—fusty or sesq-u-i … whatever.

I’m on my way out to play.

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Type of Material and Guidelines for e-newsletter and Website Submission: 1.) Your articles on the art or craft of writing. 2.) Essays on subjects of interest to writers. (200 words can be quoted without permission but with attribution.) 3.) Book or author reviews. 4.) Letters to the Editor or Webmaster. 5.) Information on upcoming events, local or not. 6.) Photos of events. 7.) Advertise your classes or private events. 8.) Short fiction. 9.) Poetry.

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The Hook

by Dave Smith

There’s a ton of talk about the hook.

Everyone tells me I have to have a hook to begin my story. Without it, no one will read beyond the first page, or maybe the first paragraph.

I’m petrified! What if I can’t find the perfect hook? My writing is doomed. What actually is the perfect hook? At least the perfect one for my story?

I pondered these questions recently as I was out on the lake fishing. With a hook. Hmmm … is there a correlation here I may be missing? Or is a misnomer lurking?

I did what any self-respecting angler would do: I looked it up in the dictionary. Oh, boy.

Hook: (noun) a bent piece of barbed and baited metal; a curved cutting instrument; a short swinging punch; a golf stroke which unintentionally deviates; (verb) attach or fasten; prostitute; the punching and golfing things again; pushing the ball backward with the foot from a rugby scrum (that was new to me too).

Hook phrases: by hook or by crook; get one’s hooks into; give someone the hook (you’re fired!); hook, line, and sinker; on the hook for.

Whew!

I’m not sure I want to do any of those things at the beginning of my story, unless of course my story involves the adventures of a rugby player who was married to a boxer who spent too much money on golf and was forced to become a prostitute to pay the mobster who had his hooks into said rugby player.

I hear you scolding me, “But, but, but … Dave, it also means something designed to catch one’s attention.”

Yes it does. My attention would be caught if an author wrote the first paragraph in red, or upside down, or backward, so why worry about the actual words?

Because, I have deduced, hook is not the descriptor for me. It has too many sharp and undesirable meanings, so I prefer the word engage. Some authors use this nomenclature in their how-to books and articles, and I love it. I even like to say it: Engage. I use my French accent; sounds more seductive.

To me, hooking is a slap on the head saying, “Hey! Look at this! Ain’t it awesome?”

Engaging is a hand held out saying, “Come with me and enjoy this journey.”

Therefore, in Dave’s Rulebook, I have replaced rule #1—you need a hook— with: rule #1—you need to engage your reader. Nothing flashy, no fantastic first sentence, just an authorial finger sliding up the reader’s nose and tickling her brain; wooing her curiosity.

“Semantics … just semantics,” some may huff.

Well, isn’t that what writing is all about in the first place? Go ahead, say it: Engage. Use your French accent.

Author’s note: the first name on the authors-who-use-engage list is Jeff Gerke, and I highly recommend his book The First 50 Pages.

(Editor’s note: the link for Jeff Gerke goes to the Udemy class taught by Jeff. The link was not provided by Dave Smith, nor is it intended to be an endorsement by Dave or myself. The Udemy classes have been recommended in the past by our president, Laura Hernandez.)

Writers Forum is open to submissions for the blog or the e-newsletter.

Type of Material and Guidelines for e-newsletter and Website Submission: 1.) Your articles on the art or craft of writing. 2.) Essays on subjects of interest to writers. (200 words can be quoted without permission but with attribution.) 3.) Book or author reviews. 4.) Letters to the Editor or Webmaster. 5.) Information on upcoming events, local or not. 6.) Photos of events. 7.) Advertise your classes or private events. 8.) Short fiction. 9.) Poetry.

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You Can’t Scare Me

by Dave Smith

My most memorable childhood epiphany was this: a good number of kids’ songs, nursery rhymes and the like were designed to scare the bejesus out of five-year-olds. That’s right, they’re not bedtime stories, they’re scary movies.

Don’t believe it? Then sing along with me: “Don’t go down in the woods today; if you do don’t go alone … ” yeah, see what I mean? Teddy bears picnic my ass. That ditty’s purpose is to make little boys paranoid about the forest so they won’t wander into it.

How about Jack and Jill? Don’t climb up there; you’ll hurt yourself.

Miss Muffet? Spider anyone?

Recently I ascertained another undeniable truth: Famous authors use their notoriety to offer mortifying advice to novices (like me), which is fabricated to discourage neophytes (like me) from writing. Why? Basic economics—it eliminates the competition. And just like the sneaks who prey on kiddies’ fears, they make it sound wholesome.

Not convinced? Let me provide some examples.

“Should take no more than three months.” Stephen King on how long it takes to write a book. Way to crush my resolve, Steve. That’s like running a race against a cheetah. In the desert. Over rocks. Barefoot.

“The first draft of anything is shit.” Why don’t you give me some of your shit, Ernie, so I can revise it and sell it. E. Hemingway with D. Smith—hmmm, nice ring, but sounds fishy. He just didn’t want anyone to write anything.

“I leave out the parts that people skip.” I do that too, Elmore. So far I have 27 words down which I’m pretty sure someone will read and not skip. In King time, I should have four, maybe five, paragraphs completed in the allotted three months.

“Murder your darlings.” That advice was actually meant for a friend who was writing a murder mystery. Over the years it has morphed into boogeyman talk to gin up paranoia, and to get the competition to leave out good parts so their stories will suck.

“Write something every day.”  And if I don’t? Wait, don’t tell me … I’ll never be a success at anything. And because I know there’ll come a day—maybe tomorrow—when I’ll break some part of my writing arm, wrist, hand, finger, pencil, it’s best to not even start.

“Write what you know.” Actually that’s how a lot of ax murderers who write books get caught. I think it’s because at the police academy officers are taught to read. For sure there are no successful ignorami.

Armed with this revelatory knowledge I now pay no attention to successful authors or believe anything I read in self-help books, and I feel much better. My blood pressure is lower, the urge to throw things has lessened, and my constipation has resolved itself. And because there are no rules, my creativity is soaring, my first drafts are award-winning, I retain all my darlings (even the unreadable ones), and if I want to take a day off—or three months off—I do.

I’m also gathering up my courage to go into the woods on teddy bear picnic day.

But I’m bringing my gun.

Writers Forum is open to submissions for the blog or the e-newsletter.

Type of Material and Guidelines for e-newsletter and Website Submission: 1.) Your articles on the art or craft of writing. 2.) Essays on subjects of interest to writers. (200 words can be quoted without permission but with attribution.) 3.) Book or author reviews. 4.) Letters to the Editor or Webmaster. 5.) Information on upcoming events, local or not. 6.) Photos of events. 7.) Advertise your classes or private events. 8.) Short fiction. 9.) Poetry.

Please submit copy to the editor at writersforumeditor@gmail.com . Electronic submissions only. Microsoft Word format, with the .docx file extension, is preferred but any compatible format is acceptable. The staff reserves the right to perform minor copy editing in the interest of the website’s style and space.

Today we present to you another Dave Smith piece. (BTW, Dave…most of the people I hear from don’t think you write drivel. Just thought that needed to be said.)

Why Does He Do That?

by Dave Smith

Why does he write that drivel for the Forum? His pencils should be put back in the box.

Are you talking to me?

Let me tell you why.

First reason: The Pandemic. Yes, it has driven me insane, over the top, cuckoo. nuts, bonkers. I am now unable to provide even one correct answer to a Rorschach Test. In the beginning my wife and I were just fine, able to put up with staying home and eating out of the freezer. We prayed for the vaccine, and when it came we ran yelling and flailing to the front of the line.

Unfortunately many of our friends did not. Used-to-be friends I should say. For a bunch of fake reasons, they decided that not trusting science was better than being alive. Better than me being alive. Fine.

Then came the variant, probably only the first of many. And the resurgence of infections. Thank you old friends.

Back to the freezer.

And to my pencil.

Second reason: Procrastination. If I write weird shit like this, I don’t have to address my real problem, which is editing my latest novel.

What? You haven’t read any of my previously-published novels? That’s because there aren’t any. I just told you—I procrastinate, and I do it very well. By writing drivel. Which by the way you are still reading. Have a procrastination problem, do you?

Third reason: Pain. The same people who made me take the Rorschach Test told me there is a fine line between pain and pleasure. Writing is a pleasure, until it’s not, then it’s a pain. I don’t know where that line is…yet. Someday maybe. I like what I write, so I put it out there, knowing you will enjoy it, too. Wrong. You call it drivel. Fine.

Fourth reason: Pity. (Say, are any of you awake enough to realize I just used P to begin all of my reasons? … thought so.)

Pity for our dungeon master George Parker, who cried into his computer a few months ago begging for articles to put on the website or in the newsletter.

I’m here for you, Buddy. I can turn anything that crosses my desk or my mind into an article to help you out. You understand me, right?

… Right, Geo?

… Geo??

Writers Forum is open to submissions for the blog or the e-newsletter.

Type of Material and Guidelines for e-newsletter and Website Submission: 1.) Your articles on the art or craft of writing. 2.) Essays on subjects of interest to writers. (200 words can be quoted without permission but with attribution.) 3.) Book or author reviews. 4.) Letters to the Editor or Webmaster. 5.) Information on upcoming events, local or not. 6.) Photos of events. 7.) Advertise your classes or private events. 8.) Short fiction. 9.) Poetry.

Please submit copy to the editor at writersforumeditor@gmail.com . Electronic submissions only. Microsoft Word format, with the .docx file extension, is preferred but any compatible format is acceptable. The staff reserves the right to perform minor copy editing in the interest of the website’s style and space.

Today we present to you another Dave Smith piece.

Soul. Some words have one.

Most people call it connotation, but I like soul; sounds more … intriguing.

Lately I’ve become obsessed you might say (or you might not say) with word souls. It’s all because of a how-to book that crossed my path recently. The author admonished me about using certain words too often, and presented a list of vexatious words which, if over-used, would turn my writing into dung.

One word on her/his list was look.

Okay, got it; I don’t want my writing to be boring, so finding alternatives is always good (except for the word said, which apparently has escaped the most-wanted list.) Said somehow disappears off the page and out of the mind, so a writer can use it with abandon, knowing with certainty it won’t bore the reader. I know that because that’s what they say in those how-to books.

Not so look. It apparently doesn’t disappear.

And yet that word has so many uses.

Look, according to that author, should be replaced as often as possible, because it’s not appropriate to disturb the writing rules. That’s the law. And the word does have numerous alternatives. See for yourself—look it up in your dictionary and your thesaurus. Oh, dang, I mean observe it in your dictionary and thesaurus—or do I?

See? Your mind hesitated on the word observe, didn’t it? Why?

It’s all about soul, my friends. Replacing words to satisfy the rules should be done with caution, me thinks.

Imagine my surprise shock when I read a section of a novel by this author—who is making money trying to improve my writing—in which she/he wrote, “The detective walked out of the building and his gaze shifted to the far end of the street.” Or something like that. The author certainly walks the walk. Technically correct? Yup. Many readers might not even hiccup at it.

Me, I came to a full stop, because like I told you, I’m obsessed. According to Dave, the soul of gaze is wistfulness, longing, mental numbness, and time. One gazes at the stars, or a Thomas Kinkade painting, or an unanswerable question on the DMV driving test. A detective does not walk out of a building and gaze down the street; a detective walks out of a building and looks down the street. He could stare (gaze, if you have to use the word) once he saw something of interest.

I always look for (darn it, I said it again) alternatives when writing, of course, but I believe it is my authorial duty to consider the soul of my replacement, because I mustn’t annoy the astute reader (you), who understands that sweet-sounding yet appropriate French word nuance.

And please, never gaze at me. (Unless you mean it.)

Writers Forum is open to submissions for the blog or the e-newsletter.

Type of Material and Guidelines for e-newsletter and Website Submission: 1.) Your articles on the art or craft of writing. 2.) Essays on subjects of interest to writers. (200 words can be quoted without permission but with attribution.) 3.) Book or author reviews. 4.) Letters to the Editor or Webmaster. 5.) Information on upcoming events, local or not. 6.) Photos of events. 7.) Advertise your classes or private events. 8.) Short fiction. 9.) Poetry.

Please submit copy to the editor at writersforumeditor@gmail.com . Electronic submissions only. Microsoft Word format, with the .docx file extension, is preferred but any compatible format is acceptable. The staff reserves the right to perform minor copy editing in the interest of the website’s style and space.